Pick your match

Xalvador
18
Yorkshire, England

I am a gay boy who enjoys people watching and then bitching about them over twitter.I am a bit Canadian. I like to watch foot ball (that’s a lie, I don’t really, but for the right guy I could)If you can dance and cook, it’s a plus.

Into: Drinking hard liquor till you wake up in strange places (council estates) crazy shit like that, witty homophobia, Bjork and other alternative trash and spontaneous Dogging.
Not into: Strange names (such as Keith or Harvey), Being wanked on and Illiterate fucktards.

Matchmaker Notes:
Which of these things do I not fully understand?
a) Witty homophobia
b) Spontaneous Dogging
c) All of the Above
If you want Xalvador to teach you these things, or perhaps you are just not that into wanking on people and think he’s a catch- mails me!

Rebecca
bloomington, indiana

 I’m currently a student trying to find the correct balance between surviving on ramen and satisfying my craving for ethnic foods. i quote brand new lyrics more than i should. i’m a sucker for useless facts and the discovery health channel. i’m studying to become a nurse, i like kids. i was a vegetarian but i gave that up and rekindled my love for bacon. i believe that any man’s attractiveness can be increased with the addition of facial hair and a cigarette in their hand. i’m a hard liquor type of girl and i’m not religious. i enjoy people with a sense of humor. i’m really easy going, i rarely get angry. i’d rather buy new clothes than do the laundry. deal breakers are that affliction tee in your closet and that nickelback ticket stub from last summer on your dresser.

MATCHMAKER’S NOTES:
You didn’t even read her bio did you?
You just jumped to this after seeing that hot photo.
Now, I suggest you go back and read the bio, then email and make it good.

Jes
22
Los Angeles

When I’m not slitting my wrist I go to school full time to become a Pediatric Oncologist or I surf.  I like to eat more than I like to breathe. I poop everyday. My nails have to be painted at all times. I curse really bad. I do improv comedy at The Groundlings. I’m a tall son of a bitch (5’10) so I don’t like tiny guys. Sex is fun. And I like food.

MATCHMAKER NOTES:
Whoa whoa whoa… she’s becoming a BABY CANCER DOCTOR, SURFS AND SHE POOPS EVERYDAY?! wtf. Tall guys that like to fuck need to RSVP. IMMEDIATELY.

Holly
20
Arizona State University

College student at ASU. (No I do not have an STD) I’m studying film and media primarily because it gives me an excuse to be on Twitter/Tumblr all day. Oh yeah and I get to watch movies for homework, can’t complain. I may look like a sweet little valley girl but my mother consistently tells me I have the soul of a 35 year old (I watch CNN for fun, Wolf Blitzer for the win) I am pretty sarcastic at times and do not, I repeat, do not fall for any little sweet thing a guy may say to me. I’m used to going to parties where guys ask me to take my top off (I tell them I go to Harvard and they usually walk away), I would love to meet a man who actually asked me my goals, interests, aspirations etc. I’m honestly a very caring and generous person who loves to find the good in people. I aspire to travel the world, eat at all the places featured on Man vs. Food, and get Judd Apatow to follow me on Twitter. Honestly, I just want someone to watch NBC’s comedy lineup on Thursdays with me. Is that too much to ask?


MATCHMAKER NOTES:
My first thought is, if guys are asking Holly to take off her top she must have nice tits and since they aren’t in the photo this is her way of telling us she has nice tits. She also likes Judd Apatow so she has a jockular ‘show em’ your tits’ sense of humor, but won’t give up the goods for any old ASU retahd (Boston Harvard accent). Email for this deranged and sarcastically duckfaced Holly.

Rachel
22
Harlem

General:
- I’m fun. I like to climb things, jump, romp, sneak into another movie after the one I’ve paid for, see bad movies drunk with large groups of friends (“Drunklesque”, “Drunktry Strong”), snark the snarky, etc.
- I studied Film & TV in college. Just graduated. Scared shitless.
- I have a bear costume (really just a giant de-stuffed teddy bear) and sometimes I like to share it with the public. See attached photo.

The Dudes:
- Please don’t scoff at things too much, unless you’re being silly.
- If you are going to have long hair, please wash regularly. But also please don’t have long hair. - Please don’t make me see Kevin James/Tyler Perry/modern Adam Sandler movies. Literally anything else is fair game.
- I love it when black gentlemen call me “Snowflake” or “Becky,” not in a fetish-y way, but in a “ha-ha” way. I know this isn’t usually complimentarily done, but it tickles me every time, regardless of intent. 

Music:
- It’s hard to say if I’m worse at dancing or singing, but I love to do both (in public or private)
- I believe there’s something to be found in the regular whittling-down of one’s sense of shame. 
- I like pretty much all kinds of music, though my most obsessive phases have included: Joni Mitchell, Jah Cure, Nicki Minaj, and any of Quentin Tarantino’s soundtracks.
 - No Nickleback fans need apply.

Flaws:
- I overuse dashes, commas, and parenthetical information/qualifiers.
- I really like VH1’s Basketball Wives, but we don’t have to talk about it. Just needed to get that off my chest.
- I didn’t really like London that much.
- I fade in and out of yoga phases. I sense one approaching.

Interests:
- I fucking love other people’s business, but I won’t snoop through your phone because I’m not a crazy person. 
- I love words, and the phrase “gagging for it,” as in “I’m gagging for a dude who’s well-read, sans superiority complex (or inferiority complex, or really any complexes), and who won’t judge me for genuinely liking Akon.” If you thought I was going to use a fancy word to prove that I love words, you. were. wrong. 
- Seltzer water is the only (decaf/non-alcoholic) beverage worth my time.
- Travel. Please let’s travel.
- Sleep.
- Rum.

Goals:
- I don’t have any pets, but I desperately want a dog. A big dog. Something with which I can lope and also possibly wrestle. 
- I want to speak better Spanish.
- I’m trying to not be disgusted by feet. I will let you know how this progresses.

MATCHMAKER NOTES:
Okay,
1. I cannot believe I didn’t really edit this down. It’s a lot of information for this site and I doubt I’ll allow this to happen again.
2. I kept all of the info because I really think Rachel is cool and I do not believe I’ve had one letter of interest from a man that could live up to what this woman has to offer creatively.
CHALLENGE ON. Email for Rachel, there must be a guy in or around NYC for her, right?
ALSO? SHE-HAS-A-FUCKING-BEAR-COSTUME-YOUR-ARGUMENT-IS -INVALID

Gib
Age: 47
Location: Brooklyn

I’m 6 foot 3, 170 lbs, eyes of blue, brown hair, laid-back, wicked funny and in no danger of losing hair.
A hedonist.
A sweetheart.
Accomplished, awarded, professional, charming and polished.
A devoted divorced daddy of two.
A little crunchy, a little cosmopolitan.
A creative director/writer with a global, megalomaniacal advertising firm.
A city dweller with a nature boy soul, who creates art from tree stumps in the free hours.
A drummer, modern music fiend, house renovator, kayak-owner, dead rock star trivialist, stone-skipper, design junkie, bookworm and hockey fan who still believes in happily ever after.

MATCHMAKER’S NOTES:
I think I might already know someone for this guy who weirdly looks like my High School boyfriend if my High School boyfriend aged really well… but I’m not sure if he has because he’s not on Facebook (the old boyfriend) Guys, Gib is great. No jokes.
EMAIL.

Heather
Location: Seattle

 I play video games, I live in Seattle and I haven’t had a date in 5 years. You would think in a  city the size of Seattle I would be able to find a gamer boy that doesn’t look like Comic Book guy from The Simpson’s… so far not so much. I suck at selling myself so here is my profile from Match.com. (So far I’ve only gotten responses from gross old guys WTF!?!?) To be honest, while I am freaking adorable, I’m a bigger girl ( I just lost 40lbs so I’m trying) I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m looking for a chubby chaser. I’m looking for someone that is comfortable with taking an impromptu road trip or doing something random like learning how to blow glass. I need someone that is comfortable and secure enough with himself to allow me to be me in all of my random, goofy, geeked out, glory. If you can’t laugh at yourself then we are not going to get along.

I don’t like chick flicks. My favorite movie is Fight Club and I will never ask you to hold my purse because I think that’s lame.

 Other side notes. I cuss a lot, I have a pretty perverse sense of humor and if I don’t get laid soon my head will explode. Do you know what happens to fat girls that don’t have enough sex? The same thing that happens when you don’t feed them. They get mean:-P

My No’s would be: skinny jeans, faux hawks, sensitive pony tail guys or guys that talk a lot about their cats. Oh yea…if you have a “gaming chair” I will just make fun of you.I’m game for just about anything else.

MATCHMAKER NOTES:
Somewhere out there a guy is thinking, “I’ll never find an absolutely adorable chubby black woman sci-fi geek who loves Mortal Kombat” AND UNTIL NOW I WOULD HAVE SAID ‘No, you probably won’t’
This woman is at least 10000000’s guys holy grail.
Heather also apologized to me for her case of ‘verbal diarrhea’ but I think it’s LIVEARRHEA because being honest is all we can really be, right? This listing deserves 3 Christ on a crackers!

Pam
Age: 36
Location: Rhode Island

I’m totally into adorable secret nerds who are also really funny.  I also like creative types which usually = poor.  As long as you don’t live in a box, we should be good.  Just be able to support yourself, I can pay for me.  I believe it was Beyonce who taught me that.
My brother calls me a “weirdo-loser magnet,” and it usually rings true.  Please be the exception.  You can be somewhat weird, I just don’t want to see you on an episode of ‘My Strange Addiction.’  Have your shit together, dude.

 Also?  If you can’t make me laugh and don’t enjoy TV, what’s the point?

 

MATCHMAKER’S NOTES:
Men who fantasize that Shelley Duvall is funny and young and the perfect woman for them have hit the fucking motherlode with Pam. Just don’t kill her in a hotel. That wasn’t funny, it was a bad Shining reference. Whatever. This chick is funny. That Beyonce line made me smile. Email for Pam. PAM! PAM!

Kayla
Age: 24
Location: Phoenix

I’m single. Hell, I even have a tumblr devoted to my chronic singleness.

Things I like:

• Elegant, dead birds
• Blaming all of my problems on the man who introduced Britney to Cheetos
• Not moving a lot

Things I hate:

• Those kids who tear out the middle part of bread, roll it into a gummy, nasty wad, and then eat it

Fun fact:
Paula Dean totally follows me on twitter.

MATCHMAKER NOTES:
FACT: It was Britney’s Mother who intro’d her to cheetos. FACT: Britney TOTALLY tears out the middle of her bread and gums it up and eats it. FACT: Kayla needs a lovah. EMAIL.

Dustin

Location: Seattle. (For now.)

I am fairly well-educated and fairly well-informed - which is to say I’m an idiot, but at least I know it. (I’m also basically a hobbit, so here’s hoping you file that under “cute.”) As with most self-aware idiots, I tend to care too damned much. About everything. It’s exhausting, really, and often my personal ambitions tend to get conflated with guilt, but I still make room for some: I want to live abroad; I want to get more educated - y’know, forreals this time; I want to land my dream job;  I want to fulfill a 10-year-long promise to myself to record an album. I’m at a point in my life where all that is almost immediately achievable, which is great - it’d be nice to share the adventure. I like my music too loud, my sci fi dark and dreary, and my women like I like my rum: strong, smooth, and just a little bit spicy.

Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici
“By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe.”

So Say We All

MATCHMAKER NOTES:
I bet if you look through Dustin’s bookshelf you’ll find ‘The History of the Knight’s Templar’ and ‘Infant Massage’. He says ‘forreals’ to sound fun and goofy, but this guy is FOR REAL serious and probably kinda passionate… he drinks spicy rum- total clue.